Have you ever just wanted to scream? Like really loud? There should be places where you can pay a few bucks and scream your heart out. Forget about getting a massage. How about a good scream?
I haven’t written much here I guess because I’ve been doing ok. I would have the occasional dip, but it never lasted too long. About a month ago I considered making some big life changes. The thought of it was exciting but also gave me great anxiety. I want change so bad, but I’m also terrified of it.
Two weeks ago I took a week vacation to California. I’m not sure if it had something to do with the flying or the time change, but I had a crash. A week later when I got home I decided- YES I want to make these life changes. I was still tired and then extremely anxious about the thought of the life changes. Normal people don’t think as much as me….or as fast as me. I’ve literally burned myself out. I don’t know how bad it is yet. Time will tell if I crashed really hard.
My father who has been my biggest support my whole life is against this life change that I want and it’s extremely hard for me to deal with that. I am an adult but having Chronic Fatigue has made me fear everything. Will I be able to function and support myself like a normal human being?
I’ve decided to take a leave from work. I’ve contemplated this in the past, but never went through with it. Most people might be relieved that they are able to take a leave from work but I am more traumatized by it. Again cause it’s change.
My mind is my worst enemy. Physically doing too much has always affected my energy levels but anxiety is a killer. I’ve been on anxiety medication for years but a few months ago I dropped the dose because my life was stable and well….it makes your brain kind of numb. But now I contemplate going back up on the meds. I don’t know.
So what now? I feel pressure under my eyes from crying so much and being fatigued. I’m beyond overwhelmed. I want to make this life change, but I have to be healthy- both physically and mentally. I WILL make this change. I have to.
Now that I will have ALL this time these are some of the things I will do to steady myself.
- I’ve joined Toby Morrison’s online CFS recovery program. I just started it but I think its main components are getting your body strong through exercise. Something I haven’t done in a long time! But it will be a slow gradual process.
- Give more time to Ashok Gupta’s recovery program. It’s main components are stopping negative thoughts, meditation, and visualization.
- Going back to a shrink that helped me immensely a few years back. I feel like I need someone to help me stay centered.
- Blog more!
Do you think I can do it? “Life change” will be announced when the time comes……