It’s an amazing thing- My boss took me to Starbucks today to explain to me how well at work I am doing. She said my creative process has improved and my role as a producer is much better. How is this possible?! I have been a physical emotional mess for the past three months. Hmmm. Well I do know that with everything else going on in my life, my job has been a good distraction. Imagine if I was feeling great! I would be like a top executive by now ;) ha!
So it’s been two weeks since I started the Amygdala Retraining Program. I really like it. It makes a lot of sense to me. Ashok says for the next six months I need to get rid of the “shoulds and musts” and then the next six months to enjoy your life….and then go back to the shoulds and musts. I seem to enjoy making myself insane. I started thinking about my life, my career, where I see myself in ten years. I’m a bit scared of my career. I don’t want to be a crazy busy tv producer. I don’t know if I can even be a crazy tv producer. So what do I want to do? I always thought about being a Social Worker- therapy. Maybe I will be free of my CFS and help other CFS folks? But changing careers means a pay cut and starting from the bottom again. Is that the life I really want? I don’t know what the hell I want! I do want to be calm…And let me tell you, all this thinking is very bad! But I can’t help to think about it. I really need to stop thinking. I felt my body tensing up yesterday just thinking about all of it….obsessing about it. Stop! Ok. I’m ganna stop. I’m not ganna go insane about this. It’d be nice if all the pieces fell in the right places without me thinking about it…
I think I want to leave New York. Besides my connection that’s kinda broken with California boy, I see myself in California. I have no idea why. Sucking in the sunshine. But then I fear it. I fear a lot. I guess when you’re stuck with CFS, everything seems scary. But that’s what Ashok’s program is trying to stop- thinking you can’t do things cause of CFS.
So since I nixed California boy and talking to him till 12am every night, I started going to bed around 11pm (I wake around 8:15). It’s been good. I’m somebody that needs like 8-9 hours of sleep. CFS or no CFS. I just do and I know I have to continue to make sure I get that sleep- my healing will be faster- I just know it…..
Obviously my anxiety is still kinda nuts. Ashok has a lot of techniques to quell this. And he explains that it’s my wacky Amygdala- ha! Sleep, meditation, and calmmmmm. And still no brain drugs! Well except a little Klonopin at night. But we shall see…still no definites on if I will go back on or not.
My friend who knows about my crazy shit made a good point to me- There’s an easy way to do this (drugs) or a hard way (no drugs). I’m doing it the hard way…sigh.
I can only hope I will be so much stronger after all this. And I will probably have an English accent from watching Ashok so much…and The Chrysalis Effect (my other UK CFS recovery motivator) Why is all the good CFS recovery stuff from the UK? ☺