Have I ever been in love? Hmmm. Yes, I think twice I was in love. But as I think about it now it wasn’t true love, because the love was not reciprocated. Why is infatuation such a high? An obsession. When I’m gaga over a guy, it’s all I think about. I even believe that all that gaga thinking enhances the obsession in my brain.
I’ve only told one person that I love him. But it was out of desperation. We dated for almost a year, and I was attached to him. We parted ways but then came back together. Out of desperation I told him I loved him. But I didn’t love him. He had no response to my words and we ended up drifting away from each other. I was scared to be alone.
Alone sucks. Humans are social creatures. But for some reason when all guys have left the picture, I feel extra alone.
This guy who I’ve written about here in the past has some how entered my life again, in a major way. I was infatuated and he knew it. He liked it. He liked being doted on. He was being sweet, he was being good. But I have no patience. I wanted more. He was selfish about his own needs, what was going on in his life. Which is understandable because everyone goes through stressful shit.
But it turned. Like I said I have no patience. And I can’t just walk away. I want to scream and probably punch. He was pulling away and I couldn’t take it. Three straight days of evil text messaging. A normal person would probably just not respond to my evil words. He texts me back every time. Just adding fuel to my fire.
I’m waiting to meet the guy who is amazing to me. The guy who makes me forget this boy and every other boy who it ended badly with. I need to mentally open my brain to the possibility. I have to believe that I will. I have to be strong. But it’s so hard!
…..one last text? Someone constrain me.