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I Love You

I’m sitting here, feeling a bit hollow, after crying my eyes out all morning. I’ve pushed myself too much. Now the worst fear of all- the unknown, has crept into my head. Will I be tired for just another two days? Maybe just over the weekend? Two weeks? Three months? This fear is terrifying.

July, so far, has been a pretty damn good month. I’ve had a lot of good days. But I have been playing the yo-yo game. One week great, the next week crap. I have not been pacing all that well. Us Chronic Fatigue folks are supposed to stop an activity even though we still feel good. Not keep pushing till we feel bad! And I know inside my brain that I should stop. It’s just hard to stop when fun is being had.

Many people with Chronic Fatigue have had troubled childhoods. Many were abused. I wasn’t abused, but I did have a traumatic childhood. As an adult we aren’t able to process stress correctly and maybe we are just walking around stressed out all the time without even realizing it. Physically pushing it too much or mentally pushing it too much will send us over the edge into fatigue, collapse.

I’ve been working with a Hyno- Analyst who helped a woman I met over the web get over her Chronic Fatigue. She was sexually abused as a child. We’ve been going back in time, to traumatic scenes in my memory and reversing them, making them happy. A big theme is the fact that I grew up without a mother, someone to be with me while I was scared. Yesterday, through my tears, we went back to about 5 years ago when I had one of my crashes. The scene is always the same- crying over the unknown. The Hypno- Analyst asked me if I can say something new to the crying me, what would it be. The first thing that came into my head was “I love you”. My subconscious came out. I need to be my own mother now and hug the fear.

As my CFS buddy Laura said to me today- “ you’re replaying an old program”. Meaning that the past is gone. The crashes from the past, are in the past. This “blip” doesn’t have to be HUGE. Maybe I am making it all too huge. But GOD it’s scary. But I need to be brave and hug my 32 year old self and tell myself- I LOVE YOU.

It starts now. The tears have fallen. Deep breaths. Keep going. Keep getting stronger. It’s time.

I Love You

I found this super gaudy I Love You and it’s now the wallpaper on my phone. A good reminder! The inside wallpaper of my phone is something else that makes me smile….

10 responses »

  1. Little Bird,

    You are taking power over the past. You are, and will, conquer your fear of the unknown, and one day, you will find the source of your crying…. then, you will say to yourself, “wow, that wasn’t so bad. I can handle this.” and you will, and your journey to freedom will have officially begun. Once you experience that liberation, you will not want to go back.

    Keep up the good work. I can attest to the fact that cfs is a disease that you can beat, and at the same time, you will find yourself, and will experience more joy and freedom than you have ever felt in your life.


  2. Not sure if I’ve mentioned it before but for things like this it might be worth looking into Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT) as you might find it helpful to work through.

    Friends of mine swear by it and the clinic I’m with say it’s very good. I haven’t had much success with it but I think I’m starting to discover my subconscious resistances to things so I may well do in future :)

  3. Hi Its Steve here the guy from Facebook…
    EFT is pretty useful but its hard to get yourself to do it sometimes! Sometimes I need to tap on ‘cant be bothered to do EFT’ – that makes it easier!
    I think there is a clear link between difficulties in childhood and CFS. Ive heard so many stories that have that somewhere at the root. My own theory is that when we have these difficulties in childhood as a child we may have to avoid the turmoil of negative emotion – as a protective mechanism. Our brians literally gate the feelings and put it to the back of our minds. Thus as part of our development – we actually learn to not feel, and not healthily express out feelings. It can have subtle but far reaching effects into adulthood eg our choice of job or partner (two crucial elements of life) – because we dont take our feelings seriously, hear them or act upon them. Instead we use our cognitive brain too much. I think a lot of the anxiety and over thinking comes from there – as a reaction of the body not being happy with the route we take…many key decisions should not be intellectualised but more of a ‘feeling’ or ‘knowing’…
    I believe healing of CFS for many involved reconnecting and healing the relationship with our body and our feelings. Learning to listen and act effectively on what our body needs – rather than ignoring it, pushing it and diminishing it. Its like repairing a relationship with ourselves-a homecoming.

  4. I love me too! Thanks for the reminder. ;)

    Im scared at tje moment too, still in horrific relapse land, but you are so right, its self love and not projecting past suffering into the future that will (hopefully) get us through. Hmm and staying off my phone.

    Much love and hugs


  5. Hey, it’s lauravee from instagram :) Was curious about what hypno-analyst you are seeing, I’ve had some success with hypnotherapy in the past and think i’d like to give it a go again…


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