I’m sitting here, feeling a bit hollow, after crying my eyes out all morning. I’ve pushed myself too much. Now the worst fear of all- the unknown, has crept into my head. Will I be tired for just another two days? Maybe just over the weekend? Two weeks? Three months? This fear is terrifying.
July, so far, has been a pretty damn good month. I’ve had a lot of good days. But I have been playing the yo-yo game. One week great, the next week crap. I have not been pacing all that well. Us Chronic Fatigue folks are supposed to stop an activity even though we still feel good. Not keep pushing till we feel bad! And I know inside my brain that I should stop. It’s just hard to stop when fun is being had.
Many people with Chronic Fatigue have had troubled childhoods. Many were abused. I wasn’t abused, but I did have a traumatic childhood. As an adult we aren’t able to process stress correctly and maybe we are just walking around stressed out all the time without even realizing it. Physically pushing it too much or mentally pushing it too much will send us over the edge into fatigue, collapse.
I’ve been working with a Hyno- Analyst who helped a woman I met over the web get over her Chronic Fatigue. She was sexually abused as a child. We’ve been going back in time, to traumatic scenes in my memory and reversing them, making them happy. A big theme is the fact that I grew up without a mother, someone to be with me while I was scared. Yesterday, through my tears, we went back to about 5 years ago when I had one of my crashes. The scene is always the same- crying over the unknown. The Hypno- Analyst asked me if I can say something new to the crying me, what would it be. The first thing that came into my head was “I love you”. My subconscious came out. I need to be my own mother now and hug the fear.
As my CFS buddy Laura said to me today- “ you’re replaying an old program”. Meaning that the past is gone. The crashes from the past, are in the past. This “blip” doesn’t have to be HUGE. Maybe I am making it all too huge. But GOD it’s scary. But I need to be brave and hug my 32 year old self and tell myself- I LOVE YOU.
It starts now. The tears have fallen. Deep breaths. Keep going. Keep getting stronger. It’s time.
I found this super gaudy I Love You and it’s now the wallpaper on my phone. A good reminder! The inside wallpaper of my phone is something else that makes me smile….